Guest Post by Jackie Dolamore
To most people, I’m a pretty typical girl who likes girl things, who has been with a guy for 12 years. Simple, uncontroversial. Few people probably realize I’ve ever felt ashamed or confused about gender or sexuality. But as I sat down to write this post, I realized that in fact, I’ve dealt with layers of confusion about it as long as I can remember.
When I was a little girl, I spent a lot of time pretending to be a boy. Mind you, it was in the context of pretend games, elaborate pretend games with my friends where at first I co-opted other people’s characters and by the age of nine I was transitioning into original creations, but I never cared to be a girl. My female friends all wanted to be women–warrior women, healer women, girly girls, wise women, female dragons…you name it, but it was always female. And my male friends always played boy parts. I was the only one who had to step out of gender.
I was quite self-conscious about it, and increasingly so over the years. My friends never outright mentioned that it was WEIRD that I always wanted to play boy parts, but I felt different. Ashamed, even. I tried to mask it by throwing female characters into my play, art and writings–look, a wise woman, an elven archer, a tribal chief who is the most badass person in the village!
But it was always forced. The girls were usually relegated to love interests to the fascinating boys. I identified with the guys more. I wanted to be them. I wanted to blame it on the fact that, in the 80s/90s entertainment of my formative years, guys tended to be more interesting. But I’m not really sure it’s “them”. Other girls of my generation liked pretending to be girls, writing about girls. I still identify with my male characters most. The only difference is that now I’m more willing to accept my yang moods, to own skinny vintage neckties and all the things that match them–my boy-self dwells, perhaps, on a stylish British street around 1965 or perhaps 1973 (the psychedelic period in between he can take or leave), and he is also in my closet.
I remember when I found out what a lesbian was. I’m not sure how old I was, but I was probably older than kids are now, maybe 10 or 11, because there were few gay characters on TV or anywhere, at least not openly. But as soon as I learned, I worried that maybe I was a lesbian, because I liked pretending I was a boy, and I had always felt there was something wrong and weird about it, just as being a lesbian seemed to be wrong and weird. It wasn’t something people talked about, it wasn’t a word people said. I didn’t even yet know about all the religious persecution that could come wrapped up with being gay because I didn’t come from a remotely religious or conservative family, but even in my hippie homeschooler world, I understood it must not be normal or else people would talk about it.
I was also pretty boy-crazy, though, and throughout my teens I had mad crushes on various boys. Also, the internet happened. I started to realize there were other girls who preferred writing about boys, and girls with glorious wardrobes who would dress like a 50s bombshell on Monday and an English schoolboy on Tuesday. I also got into anime. In anime, it was okay to be gay, okay to be straight but dress in drag, it was okay to wander around in bondage gear or furry costumes, even…pretty much anything went at anime and comic cons, and however weird you were, you knew someone else was far weirder, so it was all good. I started to realized what a complicated, confusing, glorious, fraught, fascinating world gender and sexuality were beyond the world I had known as a kid.
I also occasionally ran into a girl on the internet who seemed to be a kindred spirit, who would give me a fluttery feeling that was a lot like being in love. If they dropped out of my life, as internet friends tend to do, I’d feel…well, kind of heartbroken. There were no sexual thoughts associated with these friendships, only intellectual and emotional, but after one particularly crushing loss of friendship when a friend of mine got busy with school and another relationship, I started to wonder. And the fact is, I’m just not a very sexual person anyway…at least, I’m very cautious about that aspect of myself. I fall in love with boys in a pretty similar way as those close female friendships unfolded–I like guys because we have a lot to talk about, similar sense of humor, similar interests, an emotional affinity… I was never the kind of girl who cared about rock-hard abs or jumped straight to kissing fantasies. I started to wonder if maybe I’m bisexual. Or maybe I’m asexual and I just like really strong friendships. Frankly…if I had to choose a label for myself, I’m not sure what it should be.
A funny thing did happen when I admitted, at least to myself, that maybe I wasn’t 100% straight: I started being able to write about female characters a lot better. I started to be able to put more of myself into them, and some of the girls I’d had strong feelings for over the years, too.
When I started working on my latest book, Dark Metropolis, with a setting based on the free-wheeling mood of Berlin in the 1920s, I knew this would be a wonderful book to include a romance between girls. This was something I feel strongly about, because, although this is changing, there are still very few lesbian romances in YA, especially in fantasy, and I love playing around with gender and sexuality themes. The characters of the girls came easily…but the romance did not. In my heart, I felt it. On paper, I hesitated.
I think the trouble for me *was* that I felt it. And a part of me still felt ashamed. To acknowledge that I did feel ashamed makes me, quite frankly, sad. If I, in my late twenties, still felt some deep-down shame just to write a fairly chaste love story between two girls, how hard is it for many teenage girls in real life to acknowledge their feelings for other girls? And this is a thought I had to keep coming back to. I think I would have felt so differently about myself as a kid if the books I’d read had included LGBTQ characters. Books are important to me now, but as a teen they were *everything*. I owed it to girls of the future to just get over it already, and write the things I felt. So I did. I kept rewriting the scenes between Nan and Sigi and pushing them a little closer each time, peeling back another layer of feeling. I still think I can probably do better, of course…quite likely I always will. But it was a cathartic book to write, in many ways, and I hope it is one small step to a world that is more open and free for every sort of person.
Jaclyn Dolamore is the author of Magic Under Glass, Between the Sea and Sky, and the upcoming Dark Metropolis. She has a passion for thrift stores, history, vintage dresses and organic food, and lives somewhat reluctantly in Orlando, FL with her partner and three weird cats.Twitter: twitter.com/jackiedolamore
Caribbean Life of a Gay Teenager
We asked Aju to talk to us about the experience of growing up gay in the Caribbean. If you would like to share the LGBTQ teen experience in your country, please email maria@gayya.org We’d love to hear from you!
Moving back to Trinidad and Tobago I honestly didn’t know what I was getting into. Honestly, I had a false sense of hope that maybe things wouldn’t have changed so drastically… And it was Tobago I was heading for. It was much smaller and slower than the more industrialized Trinidad. The majority of the people grew up with their minds going in a complete opposite direction. But Tobago was home… with its beautiful beaches and vacation sites… No one knew of the darker side of this planet, including myself.
I had spent majority of my life in the USA so I had an open mind to a lot of things. I grew up on what most would think is the greener side of the fence which isn’t so true, due to the difficulties I faced with my family and my own self. Nonetheless, I was the kid from America. My hair was long, my face lean, my eyelashes full. I was what a lot of these girls in my class wanted to be. But I thought it would be almost obvious that I wasn’t like everyone else. I had been living in Tobago about a year already and honestly there wasn’t another gay soul in sight. And being such a “different” individual in the small minded, laid “backwards” Tobago had its difficulties.
Religion is a big thing here. Even in school… morning prayers, evening prayers. Having everyone down your back about finding the lord was enough, I mean I have a personal relation with HIM and I don’t believe I need to conform to a religious routine to prove that, but that’s a different story. The younger boys would have these names for me, like, “batty” and “buller-man” ‘buller’ deriving from bull which is slang for sex. Every now and then they’d use the common words like fag. Honestly I didn’t even know what these words meant but as I came to realize it was like a sin to be consider one. Most didn’t even know me, but because of my look, I was labeled. I was even disrespected by my elders, in public at times. Once I had a rotten apple thrown at me… The black sheep of Tobago.
But through the humiliation and a lot support from those people who accepted me for who I was (and those who were secretly like me) I picked myself up every day
and little by little, I accepted myself and my circumstances. I know that because I’m in truth an illegal citizen, I wouldn’t be back in the U.S. anytime soon (but that’s a whole different story). But being here has taught me some things. Everywhere you go there will be some kind of adversity, especially for gays. There is a brighter side though… The sister island to Tobago, Trinidad with its open mindedness, offers a greater safe haven to those finding themselves. It offers a fun nightlife with gay-friendly bars, parties, and a comfort that no one is really going to mind your business. There is the occasional gay drama (but once again, that’s a whole different story).
After about 5 years of living here, back and for the between Trinidad and Tobago, life for me here in Caribbean isn’t so bad at the end of the day. Yeah, I may not be accepted by some, but it’s the love of so much more that has me going. There are so many projects and opportunities that I’ve dove into like modeling and writing that I don’t have time to study what everyone has to say. The Caribbean for me has evolved my sense of life and the way I live in so many ways (both bad and good) but I am thankful for it. I encourage all teens living in other countries who have problems with their own environment, to try and look past the difficulties and love yourself. Find a way to look past the adversity and allow those who love you to blind you from those who try to obstruct your well being.
About Aju:
Born on the small island country of Trinidad and Tobago, 19 year old Phillipe Tristan Alexander, was raised in The United States with an strong Caribbean upbringing. Being able to grow up with the many different influences of America, I found it hard to figure out what was right for me. I felt something inside mewhen I was younger, playing with my step-sister and her dolls, rather than playing football with the boys. Growing up pretty wasn’t all that easy either because I took more of my mothers feature than my fathers own.
In school I began to fall weak to these feelings. I tried my best to cover them up by getting a girlfriend but still didnt feel comfortable. Finally in 2005 after the death of my stepfather I told myself that it was about time I stop lying to myself and to my loved ones. I finally began to accept the fact that I was gay. I soon moved in with my uncle and I began to love myself a little more each day…
Now, I’m back home in sweet T&T, and a proud advocate for Gay and Bisexual teens of the Caribbean. I am also the writer of the online story Henny which can be found on facebook. I began writing with inspiration from Alex Sanchez, writer of the Rainbow Boys series.
Review: Witch Eyes
Thanks to Dennis Upkins for allowing us to reprint his review of Witch Eyes by Scott Tracey.
A boy who can see the world’s secrets and unravel spells with just a glance.
Braden’s witch eyes give him an enormous power. A mere look causes a kaleidoscopic explosion of emotions, memories, darkness, and magic. But this rare gift is also his biggest curse.
Compelled to learn about his shadowed past and the family he never knew, Braden is drawn to the city of Belle Dam, where he is soon caught between two feuding witch dynasties. Sworn rivals Catherine Lansing and Jason Thorpe will use anything—lies, manipulation, illusion, and even murder—to seize control of Braden’s powers. To stop an ancient evil from destroying the town, Braden must master his gift, even through the shocking discovery that Jason is his father. While his feelings for an enigmatic boy named Trey grow deeper, Braden realizes a terrible truth: Trey is Catherine Lansing’s son . . . and Braden may be destined to kill him.
I’ve been hearing a lot about this novel and I actually had it on pre-order. However yours truly has peepuls and was able to procure an ARC (hat tip to E).
Ladies & gentlemen, it’s a wrap. The gauntlet has been thrown, the bar has been raised, the standard has been set. THIS is how it’s done! I haven’t been this excited about a novel featuring a gay protagonist since Perry Moore’s Hero.
Braden proves to be a strong protagonist. He’s a three-dimensional character. He makes mistakes, he’s fallible, he’s human and sympathetic. And even when he gets himself into trouble, this is still a character you can root for. While there’s angst aplenty, he has more than enough legtimiate reasons for said angst (which keeps him sympathetic) and Tracey does an excellent job not allowing said angst to pummel and warp Braden’s characterization and development. Tracey also avoids making him stilted and obnoxious like a lot of writers do with their characters.
Tracey’s description and prose is quite impressive. It didn’t overburden you with filler and purple prose. Between the descriptions and the first person narrative, you could easily place yourself in Belle Dam and easily visualize the town and its inhabitants. The mythos and the plot immediately sucked me in and I was dying to find out what happened next. Many of the characters have secrets and agendas, and you’re eagerly awaiting them to show their hands. And more than once I got impatient with intel the audience finds out early on and was wanting to scream, REVEAL ALREADY. The anticipation was killing me.
Forgive the vagueness of this review but I’m trying to keep this as spoiler free as possible.
And can I stress how much I love the book cover?
Braden’s orientation was also handled as-a-matter-of-factly, with nuance, with insight and respect. Witch Eyes could’ve easily have worked with Braden being a heterosexual and it was a relief to read a story that wasn’t a formulaic coming out tale or a tragic gay angst tale or Braden being the formulaic gay guy whose sole raison d’entre revolves around his orientation.
What was also a relief was that the romance didn’t overwhelm the story like you see too often in countless YA, gay novels, and urban fantasy books. The romance was one (albeit important) part of the complex and interwoven plot. The romance was well-executed, as was the mystery, the action and the drama. But it was all well-balanced which made the story that much stronger and that much more enjoyable.
And speaking of romance and love interests, Trey’s a dick. Braden is too good for him and can do so much better. I’m down for Team Somebody Else. And that objective analysis has nothing to do with the fact that Trey reminds me of my ex. Nope, not at all.
When it comes to storytelling, Tracey proves that he knows his craft and I found myself having to pace myself with the story because I didn’t want the book to end too soon. There isn’t much resolution at the end which I initially found distressing. But said distress was quickly relieved when I found out that Witch Eyes is the first of a series and the next book is scheduled to be released next year. Thank God. From what little I’ve researched, it appears that Witch Eyes only answered a few questions only to unlock more mysteries. Shorthand, to quote Jim Ross, business is about to pick up.
And if Tracey is this impressive in his debut novel, I can’t wait to see what he accomplishes next.
It saddens me that it took three years for me to find another enjoyable book that features a queer male protagonist. The last one I read was Hero. When you stop and think about the number of books that get churned out each year which feature cis straight white protagonists, it’s all the more infuriating.
But hopefully Witch Eyes is a sign of things changing. We still have a long ways to go obviously but maybe novels like this will lead to more.
Witch Eyes will be available on Sept. 8. PREORDER IS YOUR FRIEND!!!!!
A Letter to Young Writers
Congratulations, young writer, you live in a time unlike any other in modern history. It’s a time filled with incredible opportunities not seen since the advent of the printing press.You live in a time where your words can reach millions almost instantaneously. You live in a time where gatekeepers (like traditional publishers) no longer exist, though, honestly for some, a good edit could come in handy. You live in a time where the character reflecting your life no longer need to be veiled.
This, perhaps, is most important to you, as a LGBTQ writer.
Now, I’m not the most well-read guy. After the standard high-school literature and the smattering of classes I had in college, I’m mostly a popular fiction reader. With that background, I can’t think of a single, major character from a mainstream book that was gay until Dumbledore–and he was in what was, ostensibly, a children’s book!
When I realized what J.K. Rowling had done, my head nearly exploded. Not only had Dumbledore been revealed as the greatest wizard of all time in her world, he was the one character that main character, Harry–of course, trusted above all others. He was the source of knowledge, and the leader of the Order of the Phoenix, the good guys. But, he was gay. All of his other character traits, his stature in the book, were not affected in the slightest by his sexuality.
That was a lesson to me. If I break it down, it’s this: your characters don’t have to start out with the single foundation of being gay, straight or even asexual. Like our development as people, we don’t pop out of the womb desperate to watch Glee–even though we may know we are somehow different. We grow into who we are, and so should the characters we write.
So, how should this revelation affect our writing?
Well, I, for one, think that our characters and stories should come from our imaginations. Our characters will reveal themselves to us over time. If they’re gay or straight, shouldn’t stop you from writing their adventures, and don’t let that stop you from writing for a more general audience than just the “gay” marketplace. (Besides, I don’t know about you, but I’m really tired of the same “coming out” stories. I want more than that for our community.)
It’s important that readers of all kinds find our work accessible and interesting. Gay characters–whether they’re main or incidental–help to create worlds that reflect real life and just might foster greater understanding in our world.
Living in his hometown of Seattle after graduating from Emerson, Reese Delaney works for a large corporation by day, and by night, creates new worlds of his very own. He loves coffee and the coffee crowd where he draws his writing inspiration.
News: Opportunity For Young Writers
We were alerted to this great project, and we wanted to make sure y’all knew about it!
From the press release:
“Award-winning author Lyndsey D’Arcangelo announced a national story call-out for her new groundbreaking anthology series, My Story Is Out: High School Years.
My Story Is Out: High School Years (MSIO) is intended to be a collection of personal real-life stories about surviving high school as an LGBT teen and coming out on the other side. “In working with LGBT youth through numerous writing workshops, I’ve discovered that they enjoy sharing their personal stories with each other,” said D’Arcangelo. “What better place to do that than an exciting new anthology series?”
The national story call-out for the anthology is open to straight, lesbian, gay, bi-sexual or transgendered individuals 25 years old and younger. “We are looking for humorous, heart-warming, wistful and inspiring stories,” D’Arcangelo explained. “If you have a story to tell about your personal experience that is sure to touch the hearts, lives and souls of LGBT teens all over the world, then we would love to read it and consider it for publication.”
The MSIO anthology is being publishing by Publishing Syndicate and is slated for nationwide release in fall 2012. Those contributors whose stories make final publication will receive compensation. Story submission guidelines can be found at www.MyStoryIsOut.com.”
Be sure to join us at 4 PM EST today for another #GayYA chat on Twitter!